"STAY OPEN TO EVERYTHING, ATTACHED TO NOTHING."
~ Dr. Harmony
This post is from the Gypsy Mama Travels series and is part of the co-created Dance, Community & Social Connection Research Project.
September 2010 ~ Mountain View, CA
I'm peering out of the window above my kitchen sink, the garbage and recycling cans in my line of vision - tho I am not seeing them. I have taken my wedding rings off, placed them on the windowsill so I could wash the dishes, allowing the water to warm up - when I hear a voice pierce through the darkness into the deep woods that have become my life.
I had just been shaking my head, wondering where I went wrong - again. How did I end up here? In a marriage that felt like a sentence in Hell...literally. I had tried everything to make it work - at least everything I could think of. I had even offered to live in the same household, to stay as a mother - just not as a wife - until the kids were grown. I thought perhaps this would be a solution ~ seeing as he didn't seem to even like me anymore, that I always screwed everything up for him and made him feel that I was completely out to sabotage him somehow. Which was the furthest thing from my heart's desires!
I was literally shocked when that suggestion was thrown back in my face, not seen as a loud plea for help and loneliness - but as selfish, only thinking of myself.
"Whaaat?" I screamed to myself. I had done nothing but attempted to put him first, to honor and respect him as the man of God I am to do as the woman. But nothing I did was good enough for him, so I figured he would be happy to be done with me and happy that at least I was honoring my kids in this, not asking for a divorce.
Here I was. Again desperate. Confused. Hurting even worse than I had ever hurt in my teenage years. Because now I loved this man. And we had two kids together. Two adorable kids who I stayed home to mother. And a home, a life.
At least I thought I loved him. And yet -how could he treat me this way? How could one person be at the brunt of this much anger and hate and blame - and still be in love?
I just wanted us to find a way to be kind to each other. To work together, on the team that we should have been on together.
Yet nothing worked that I tried.
Maybe it was the trying that was the problem...
That is when I hear it... the voice that pierces the dark woods all around me. It is the long lost voice of the Spirit of God - rubbing a balm on my bleeding open wounds:
"You are meant for more than this. If he doesn't get on board with you soon, you will be released from this obligation - and you will be able to move on. You will use this, this too - in your own healing - and in healing others..."
This voice feels faintly familiar...
March 2018 ~ Menlo Park, CA
"I cannot wait to get home, peel off these smelly, sweaty clothes and jump in a shower!"
I am zipping down the back streets that lead from the 280 to my little-hidden sanctuary in the middle of the crazy valley of the Silicon Valley.
That is when I hear the song change.
The all too familiar 3 drumstick hits, the kick of the guitars and the sultry, sexy longing voice of Bono...
"Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now...you've got someone to blame..."
Before I know it, tears stream down my face - the energy of this song sending me back, reeling back through in time to when I was 13 years old, sitting on my bed ~ desperate for help, crying to no one.
I quickly pull over and do what I know is needing to be done now. In the last few years, this has happened to me a few times. Maybe many. It feels crazy - yet somewhere in the depths of my soul, I know this is what I need to do. Or else, I am just not sure I will make it to here...to this exact moment.
See, I feel that as I have removed the debris and weight from my past...that as my energy got clearer and clearer of the negative, heavy energy I had carried most of my life - that I, somehow in the present, I was able to step through time and connect in with that young little girl. Whenever and where ever she was. Whatever state she was in.
The one on my bed at 13. The one lying in the summer grass in Kansas at 6. The one writing her 2nd-grade paper dreaming of moving to California. The one standing at the kitchen sink, again desperate for change - praying for a miracle.
So I pull over, stop the car and get lost into the energy of the song and the moment. I allow the feelings of the song to wash over me and take me back to myself at 13, sitting on the bed. I allow the scene to replay, yet keeping this awareness of 2018 and all the change I have made with me. I softly speak to my 13-year-old self - and share the words I know she can hear.
I whisper words of hope, a promise of renewal into her life. I share that it won't always be this way - and that she will be able to use all this pain for good someday.
Whether it is for real that I can speak back into my past, or is just a wild figment of my now very present and powerful imagination, I don't really care. It feels good to do this little exercise. To pause and speak to my younger self - to give her a thread to follow into the future - to where I am now. I cannot disprove it...especially as Quantamm Physics proves more and more the fluidity of this dimension and time. It does no one any harm. In fact, like I said - it makes me feel good. Great, actually. Powerful and in control. Oh...and very safe.
And since English is not the language of the Universe - but feelings and emotions are...I continue to show my younger self the threads that I will need to get myself to where I am now, knowing the Universe is honoring my conversation.
The feelings of hope from the past merge with the feelings of today - and while the song continues to play on - I am lost if just for a moment in between worlds, caught in the emotions that have carried me forward in my life to this very moment.
As I arrive at my overnight stay with the hosts just North of Alberqueque, my heart is full of excitement and possibilities - having had a review of my threads up until this moment. Threads that are feeding into something bigger than myself, bigger than I could have ever dreamed of. I see and FEEL just how very far I have come, how much I have changed from this scared, voiceless little girl to a mostly bold, confident and powerful woman.
I still have a hard time accepting the fullness of this new woman I have become, that I am - sometimes. To accept that I am a change maker, a rebel with a cause. Yet one with so much awareness, compassion and forward thinking as to take carefully calculated steps.
So careful and calculated that most of the time - I don't even know what the heck I am stepping into. Not really. I mean I know what my threads are...I know my intentions. But most of the time I don't know until I am in the midst of those intentions usually what is really unfolding around me and how I am really allowing myself to be led. Some would say "used" by God, the Universe. But I don't resonate with "being used"...
If I did fully know, I would most likely turn around and high tail it back to no-where Kansas on my bicycle-dream-house ;-P.
This...this is how I, "Stay open to everything, attached to nothing."
To Be Continued...
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