In an attempt to regain a sense of who I was before my journey down a path I didn’t know I was on, I have pulled out, dusted off and opened up my old journals. Oh man – am I glad that at least for some of my life I have kept journals of my daily going ons…some of them quite funny and some very poignant…but a way to recapture time gone by.
Has the exercise helped? Yes – tremendously. I have rediscovered a kindred spirit that I didn’t even remember was there. She was silly and did silly things, I’ll admit – but her heart for God was amazingly pure and naively trusting, very much like a child. She wasn’t a hapless, hopelessly weak individual that I had come to believe that she was – but a growing and reaching young woman who wanted to make her impact on the world for God, yet just didn’t know quite which way to go or who to ask to direct her. She had so much passion for life, zeal for her friends and for the lost…and it is so nice to be finding her again after 9 years.
It’s amazing to look back too and see a common theme God has planted in my heart even before I acknowledged him or gave him his right place in my life – to help people; to use my tragedies and heartbreaks in this life to encourage others on their path. And one thing I have clearly seen is that my heart has always been for serving God in a bigger capacity then just nominal talks here and there…but to commit myself to His work fully. Whatever that means, wherever He takes me I am willing to go – oh, there is so much work to do for Him and so little time. Yet, I am excited to finally be on board and cannot wait to see where He is going to lead me.
I will expand on my experience as I go along, as I can find a way to share my story without putting blame or shaming anyone – but I do pray that others will learn from my mistakes and heed my warnings when it comes to choosing a future mate.
But for now, in one of my journals I found all of these amazing – at least to me- poems and short stories that I want to put out there….here is the first one:
When I First Saw
How many times have you looked at a picture before you noticed the background?
How many times have you looked out the window and just observed the scenery without really looking at all it’s amazing distinction?
Have you ever noticed all the distinct shades of green there are?
How many times have you read a poem before something new stroke you?
How many time have you looked at Jesus?
Have you ever seen his love pouring from his hands and feet for you?
When I first saw, I was a child at a door. I had heard the ascending knock over the years until finally one warm May day opening the door. In one blissful rush, Jesus pierced my life straight thru to my heart. I saw for the first time what I had eagerly searched for all my life. Questions had answers and I had a new best friend, the God of the Universe.
When I first saw, I was a thirsty woman at the well. I had often stood by this well, not knowing a man was lingering about, waiting to ask me a question. Me? What would he want with me?
Yet, I could sense his presence no matter how hard I tried to ignore him. Then in the depths of my despair, I ran to the well only to notice what so many times I had chosen not to notice. Jesus was there – tired, ragged and offering me a drink of his precious everlasting water…promising me that I would never thirst again. Oh, how sweet it was!
When I first saw, I was a blind beggar. I had continuously walked the tired streets in my worn out shoes. The noises of life overwhelmed me. Was there to be any relief? Any hope for my tired and weary soul?
Click, clack, click.
The sound of sandals hitting the ground; someone was walking my way – could this be true? I cried out to Him and He called me forth; I willingly went to Him. He touched my eyes with cold, wet clay – yet the heat was that of a purifying fire. Oh, and when he removed those sweet smelling hands…I saw the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. My first glimpse of his precious eyes – warm, deep, caring and of the utmost love – my sweet Savior – how sweet it was.
He sent me forth, the child, the thirsty woman, the blind beggar – telling me to leave my baggage with Him. And now I proclaim from the edges of the earth,
“I once was blind but now I see!”