As I mentioned yesterday, I have always wanted to be what is now-a-days called a healer. This pulse has always been in my body – as long as I can remember. My own life has been fertile ground for gathering stories on how I have risen up – even as a young woman of 16, found the “higher love” path and continue to move forward time and time again.
These past few years, as I continue to be put thru the wringer of turning my subconscious patterns towards the light so I can change them…I continue to feel, “wow, the world especially women coming from where I have come from NEED to know about this, or this, and definitely this! This, my story, could so help women see themselves and thus set themselves free from their unseen bondage.”
I’ve been collecting sea shells and rocks, feathers and books these past years, plotting and pondering on what parts would make it into my book this time around. I have gone all over the place attempting to find the way into my story, from all different directions and angles – many of which you have seen come your way if you have been following me since 2011.
Yet, the truth of the matter is – I am still in the thick of my own recovery. I had a “good” case of PTSD earlier this year – and never fully recovered. Which makes me wonder how long I have been showing symptoms of PTSD and just kept pushing thru them? My therapist has finally gotten me to slow down enough to realize that I have a boatload of trauma in my childhood…and with that I never had the opportunity to slow down and just be, to just settle. I had to keep moving from one thing to the next cause stopping meant death.
When I look out at our society, god we are society that revels in our unseen trauma…pushing ourselves from one event, project, relationship, business to the next.
Stopping, slowing down and seeing ourselves fully would feel like too much. The sensations of having to feel that trauma that kept us in fight, flight or freeze mode – well it would be too much to feel.
Can you relate to this? If so, how?
Yesterday at lunch with my son, I saw a family of 3 – mom, dad, daughter – all on their own smart phones, hardly once interacting with each other. My heart stopped and then screamed a bit through my own anxious feelings. Really, really is this the society we have become?
Any who, I a few weeks ago I heard myself say to my therapist that I am just not ready for the pressure and stress of running my own company yet. While I could be on here blogging my life with my boys away as an example to the world…I don’t really want to feel I “have” to do it.
There is a lot of stress of being a single mother in this day and age. Especially if you have been one to leave your career for the stay-at-home career. It seems our society still doesn’t quiet get the uphill climb it is for moms like me in this area of life.
Then, the added stress of wearing ALL the hats in the closet of a business as a soloprenuer – while being pulled by kids’ needs, schedules and voices?
Add to all of this a body that has created from scratch two additional bodies, not to mention the lifetime of trauma and the constant adrenaline and cortisol pumping pace of our society – and is just darn right tired…
These are just some of the obstacles that I have been attempting to overcome in my life these past years. And it has worn me out even more. In wanting to help women learn to slow down and pace themselves off their own internal rhythms…well, at this point in my life I need more space to even do this for myself.
So, much to my chagrin, I am wanting to go back to Big Brother and get a little financial security (see yesterday’s post)- as well as a schedule that will get me out of the house and in the world of real live people. People I can see and touch (if they let me), maybe even smell the sweaty smell of a really good workout (ehh, not so sure about that one!).
Most of all, I want to continue to be selfish in my life. Really really selfish. Meaning really really self-dedicated to my own healing, spending my time how I want to for me and not making it public to the world, just yet.
When this is mixed in with what I shared yesterday about the truth of my own financial stressors and hungriness…it seems time for me to slow down a lot with this business.
As I mentioned yesterday, I want to do some life review time. I want to see what really did work this past year as I started to “push” my baby into the world, and what didn’t work. Does Radiant Mama really fit me or not? Does being mostly an online biz work for me and my body that desires to be up, moving and dancing around the world?
I want time to coach people without the pressure of making sure I’m paying my bills…and to host circles that will help me see what type of coaching I am best suited to, and where I can best offer my gifts to the world.
So yes, it feels like drawing the above card was right for me today. Taking time to slow down – not completely drop – but simply slow this process down will help me and those who will eventually partner with me in changing themselves and the world.
Here’s to your internal Soul’s health – radiant one you!
If you would be up for being part of my market research -whether individually or as part of my upcoming (eventually) women’s circles – drop me a line here Holli@HolliCM.com and let me know!
