Note: this is one of those posts that if you share a computer with another, you will need to erase your computer history! Simply go to “Help” on your internet provider tool bar up above and type in “erase history” and/or “erase cookies” and follow the directions.
Earlier this year, the movie with the title of this post was suggested by Netflix…and it was one of those little “hidden gems” of a movie that I will never, ever forget. The message was about the fact that many times situations in our life will come about that make absolutely no sense to us; these events will cause much pain and heartache for us…but it is at these times that our character is defined.
This is a cross road I imagine all of us come across multiple times in our life…and one that I have never felt so poignant as these last couple of weeks. It seems that my decision to follow God’s call on my life might not make sense to many because of strongly held convictions that divorce in the Christian life is not ever an answer. To this I answer that I now understand when Jesus said you must be willing to sacrifice ALL – even your closest relationships – in order to follow Him. I just never thought He meant literally, but it seems in my case I am having to do just that.
Yet, I would not change a thing about my life right now – for if I did, I might sacrifice the dearest thing to me…and that is finding out who God truly made me to be. This self discovery has in turn allowed me to have the intimate relationship I have found with God and with my savior, Jesus. So, if I must go where no one else goes in order to serve Him, in order to bring about healing to other lost and hurting souls, to help call the Church’s attention to the seriousness of abuse in our midst – I once again say to God, “Let it be as You have said.”
My true wish for this post though is this: I would like to address those brave women who live in an abusive situation who want to know what it is like to take the leap of faith. For those of you that have a friend, sister, daughter or even an acquaintance in this type of relationship…I pray that you will find this post helpful as well; helpful so you know what she is up against and helpful so that you can find a way to support her in the best way possible.
May I offer a strong warning though…that if, as a friend, you cannot support her as a friend because she makes a decision that goes against your own beliefs – please find a kind way to get her the support that she needs and then quietly back away. For if you try to deny your beliefs, you are not being honest to your self. Yet, if you try to force your beliefs on her – you must know that you could possibly be keeping her in an extremely toxic situation to the detriment of her soul and possibly even her physical life. This is all the more complicated if there are children involved.
All of this said, I once again have to voice my opinion for those dear Christian sisters caught in this horrible situation…for I need to know that you hear a voice that has been through this life altering decision. I personally cannot believe after studying the Scriptures that God Himself would ask a woman, after she has done her best to work on her marriage, to stay in such a situation that is not changing. I have so many thoughts on this, but it is not the time to share yet. For now, you can refer to Not Under Bondage and a message I just heard from the head pastor at MPPC- thank you John! – that attest to the scriptures in their entirety on this subject. I love what John says at the end about the often quoted verse from Malachi 2:16 – that God hates divorce. The reason John gives for God hating divorce is because God himself knows the pain and suffering associated with divorce, for in Jeremiah God gave Israel her divorce papers and sent her away. Hot Button Topics: What about Divorce
I am sure this list will not be exhaustive, since I am still in the middle of my journey – where ever that middle is. Yet, I know others that have made this journey and thus can share their insights as well. I can only pray that you take time to really consider what I say before you make your decision…for the road is not easy, it is full of many potholes. Yet, there ARE great people out there who get it and are willing to help you. Again, please contact me or the any of the resources on my “Resources” page for help finding local people to assist you.
1) This is my only numbered one…for it has to be first for those that are disciples of Christ:
Above all else, take the time to really draw close to God…for only He can reveal His plan to you and whether you should leave your situation or not. He knows not only your heart but also your husband’s..and you can FULLY trust that the Holy Spirit will get you the info from God that you need. This is definitely tough, though, hearing the voice of God when you are living in constant fear and turmoil…when you have friends and family also chiming in telling you what they think you should do. They are well meaning, mostly – but there is so much misunderstanding about abusive relationships within the church, and outside as well, that the lack of education by your friends and family (and I am NOT blaming them) can often lead to only more confusion in an already tangled web of deceit and lies. My biggest advice is to see if you can get yourself away from the situation for a good 24 hours or so and devote that time to prayer and scripture reading. God WILL make your path straight…and you are going to need that conviction He gives you in order to stand up against the warfare that will most definitely come your way.
* I think educating yourself on abusive relationships is the next most important step…and not so that you obsess about your situation…but so that you can know the facts and know them well. Most of the education out there that is really making a difference comes from the secular world…which I think is very telling to the state of the Church on this issue. Here is what Barbara Roberts says in her link for Busy Pastors:
* If you are deciding to leave, you must do preplanning, planning – and then do some more. Know that leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time of your relationship…whether he has ever been physical or not. He will most certainly turn up the heat in every way he can in order for you not to leave. And while things might be somewhat peaceful after the separation has occurred…you are now a single lady and need to continue to take every precaution possible not to put yourself in potentially dangerous situations. You don’t want to live in fear – for that gives him power over you still…but you do need to be smart.
Now for the other parts that doesn’t hit you till later:
While leaving a marriage that had been dead for some time might or might not cause you as much emotional pain as you might expect…there is still pain to be had in other areas. Be prepared for the following:
* You will most likely lose some or all of your family…hopefully just on his side – but I am sure it could be your side as well.
* To lose the place where you worship at…so be willing to look at other churches and groups. But remember, God will never leave you nor forsake you!
I know for me, I find myself feeling more and more out of place among families, mom groups and at my local campus church – even when I have my kids with me. I do not feel this is a reflection on these people at all in my situation, but just me struggling to find my place now as a young woman, who is going thru a divorce and happens to have two awesome kids.
* You most likely will lose those friends that were mutual friends between the two of you.
* If you have children, they might lose friends who were the kids of your friends you lose.
* You most likely will lose your own friends that had supported you to get help…but might not be able to support your decision to leave the marriage that was already ended by his actions. All they will see is that you were the one to make it legal in the eyes of the State…but in the eyes of God the abuser is the one that terminated your vows. This brings me to my next point…
* To let go of those relationships where you are continually having to defend yourself to loved ones. This only serves to drain you of your precious energy — and whether you have kids or not – you need that energy to pull yourself through the healing you have to accomplish. It is not helpful to try to educate those closest to you, or to help them get out of the abusers way. Just leave them to the Lord and find people that can give you support and that do not drain you. (To let go of them might be just for a season, forever or just coming to a stance where you do not talk about this subject with them…but you need to make that call for your own emotional health.)
* To be challenged that you are not hearing the voice of God correctly. This might quite be the hardest one…for as the abused you will often have been told you aren’t doing things right, getting things right or seeing things right by your abuser. So, for close friends and family to say this to you is going to feel like abuse all over again. But you KNOW God’s voice and you need to TRUST it…for He is the only one that can speak to you the way He does. So take what they say into prayer and God will make His voice clear. I again refer to an awesome sermon that helped me rest in the fact that I was and am HEARING God’s voice correctly: Signs From God
* To redefine your friendships in and outside your family: for in the past you were probably not the woman you will become. You probably either never spoke up or lost the ability to speak up for yourself…and when people realize that you are now a strong and confident woman who isn’t wishy washy anymore and that they cannot strongly suggest to you what they think you should do without you chiming in to say “yes/no” or “thank you/no thank you” – well, this changes the dynamics of an established pattern and you both will have to adjust. Them more than you…
* To change your social status…a big one for those of us that live in the middle to middle-upper class. One that is definitely scary looking at from behind the iron curtain…and doesn’t get much easier after – especially if you have kids. But the Lord will not call you to where he wants you and not provide a way financially for it. And yes, I think those that have made the leap would say it is well worth the sacrifice.
* To have many difficult days with your children…whether it be with their attitude towards you that is so similar to your ex’s; to the exchange of the kids with your ex; to the tears your kids shed over being left by you or having to come back to you (if you share joint custody); to them not wanting to talk to you when they are with your ex; to them telling you they like your ex better (to which I reply, thanks to my training, but made it no easier to say, “I am not here to be liked, but to be the parent.” A good idea to repeat this over and over again!); to struggling with how to be a parent on those days you just can do nothing of the sort for you are so knocked down by all you have been through (have a babysitter you can call on if you can afford one that way why you can take care of yourself in order to be a better mom when you return).
* To break down crying at random points, more than just Hallmark commercials. Or to get so enraged at the injustice of the abused in the Church that you feel like standing at the nearest corner and screaming a “hell and fire” message to whomever will listen…or maybe that is just me???
* To spend lots of your “free” time working on figuring out who you are, where you went wrong and how to heal. Again, for me the Life Skills program has been and continues to be invaluable training and healing. Just last night after a very hard day, I was able to use one of the skills I had learned in order to help take a “time out” and process what I was feeling, what had happened and to list some choices on how to handle the situation. Good stuff!
* For Satan to tempt you in ways you never would see coming. Just keep watch is all I can say.
* To be reminded time and again that, “You are in a fragile place right now.” While you might not have realized you were being abused for years on end…I bet by the time you have gotten out you certainly realize that you are not as healthy and ready to face the world as you would like to be. Just know that they mean well when they say this…but that you have EVERY right to make this YOUR journey and to do what you hear God is calling you to do. You most likely will make mistakes along the way…but that is life and God is really good at helping you back to your feet 70×7 times!
* To know who God has called you to be and to not let what others say or do alter who you are called to be. For example: Asking and honestly answering to yourself some questions when you are faced with difficult situations involving other people. I.E. Am I acting/reacting to this person based on what I think they want from me? In order for them to not be upset with me or in order for them to like me? OR am I being true to who God has made me and speaking my mind in honesty, love and humbleness – not caring about the outcome of this relationship… but about only honoring God?
I think I will end this list with where I began…that you are prepared to lose everyone or almost everyone that at this point in time, before you make the decision to leave, who is near and dear to your heart. God will not give you more than you can handle, and when you are tempted – He will provide a way out for you…so after all else is said and done, after you have used every weapon in your arsenal (be it prayer, bible, spirit, truth, etc.) that He has given you…you will still be able to STAND in Him and in Him alone.
Lastly, in attempts to give my spin classes the music they want (guess they didn’t like spinning to my Christian version with Toby Mac, Press Play, etc. – especially at the Jewish Community Center :-0) — I found my new inspiration for this difficult time. Yes, it is by P!nk…who I felt God use to say to me that I am not less than perfect to Him…and He wants to share that with you. Here is the link to her song and lyrics…I think they will speak to you! Who would have ever thought that God would speak through an artist like P!nk?!?!?
