She sat on the edge of the bed for a while, just sat – letting her mind run on empty…not thinking about anything. That always helped her to feel better momentarily after one of their “episodes” as she affectionately called them now. She wondered how much more of this she could take. How does anyone ever stay married for 50 years? She felt like she was either going to have to disappear into the great unknown some where – or …she didn’t know what. But could they really keep going on like this indefinitely? Why was it things would be okay for a day or two – or if she was lucky a couple of weeks – after their counseling sessions to only slip right back into this awful pattern?
She had long ago learned that the best way to deal with him when he was in one of his moods was to shut up and let him have his say. He would always cool off faster that way and he seemed to appreciate that she knew him in this manner. Except, when he had calmed down, he would always push her to talk to him. If she wasn’t pronto with her response, he would become agitated – never was he a patient man. When she would finally speak and try to explain herself, he wouldn’t accept anything she said of her own as being valid. He would tell her that she was just making excuses, that she couldn’t ever own up to her mistakes…and if she did try apologizing first for something she wasn’t sure she even did, that was never good enough either and would generally lead into a disagreement as well. The anger would start to come back…in both of them this time.
She truly felt that she tried her best to give him as much attention as possible, but lately she felt herself slipping and becoming angry when he got angry. He would be so quick to negate any thought she had, calling them nominal or stupid or ridiculous. As far as making excuses, she knew she had a problem for he had brought that up in their first few months of dating. She felt she was trying hard on correcting this flaw, but was still at a loss: what she knew to be true about a situation and why she did what she did — he always saw as an excuse and apparently not what he wanted to hear.
Recently, she was getting so frustrated. Unable to get her point across during their arguments she found herself yelling back at him…even sometimes getting angrier than him, slamming doors, throwing pots, you name it – anything to get him to stop being so incredulous towards her or the kids. Yet, all that did was make her feel worse. Odder than her getting violent was his ability to become eerily calm and collected the minute she started yelling…like he could just flip a switch on his anger — unlike her. He was always quick to point out her uncontrollable anger and that she needed more help than him, and she loathed this side of herself that she had never seen. She had never been one to get angry to the point of violence, not even during her early childhood at the hands of her abusive, unstable mother…maybe it was all the passive aggressiveness coming out from her childhood like he mentioned. She really was evil and really did need help…perhaps she really was mentally ill like others in her family. Another thing she needed to add to her list to talk over with her counselor.
After thinking through their conversation again, she still felt confused at what her part was and how to be better next time. Yet, her training as a woman of faith told her that we all have our faults and that she had to do whatever she could to stay in this marriage…for even if she made a mistake marrying this man, she was bonded to him for life and it was up to her to figure out a way for this to work. She wouldn’t dwell on the negative things about him and their relationship – for she knew marriage was work. Everyone in her circle confirmed this…and while others seemed to still enjoy their time with their spouse – she usually treasured her time alone or with girlfriends more. She actually found herself longing for him to travel more than his normal 1 week a month – for her and the kids seemed to be at ease when he was gone.
“How horrible is that? For you to wish your own husband wasn’t around…,” how evil her own thoughts truly were. Where had their love and passion gone from those early days – where everything about the other ignited a sense of adoration and wonder? Where he had been so eager to learn everything about her as much as she was to talk and have someone really get her. He had been refreshingly different than the other duds she had dated…ones that didn’t seem to get how to have a conversation. Or the ones that just seemed to go on and on and on about themselves and their lives and their accomplishments. She never could decide which ones were worse. But him….he was one that broke the mold. Charming, bold yet humble – never making a big deal out of his accomplishments – always eager to draw others out and into a conversation with him. His quiet fortitude turned the heads of all the women in their circle – and she was blown away that he chose her. He definitely swept her off her feet those first couple of months… taking her on amazingly romantic dates that even Hollywood could not have conjured up. What young woman of 26 wouldn’t be swept away to her fairytale land – to be living as if her prince charming had really, finally come?
Their conversations had always been easy, like they had known each other always. They didn’t finish each other’s sentences or anything like that; no, is was just that he was so focused on her, asking her detailed questions so he could really understand the way she ticked. He seemed to agree with her on everything about what they wanted out of life: to live comfortably and afford the lifestyle for their children neither of them had growing up; to have a large family; for her to continue working as much as she could, while he would take his turn at the helm with the kids in order to support her; to be completely and utterly devoted to God first, each other 2nd and on down the line.
Yet, a few months into the relationship, once they had decided to be officially “exclusive”… things slowly but surely started to drift – just ever so slightly. He would show little irritations, say little things to which she would give a fleeting thought – yet, no more than this. She had no clue that those “slight irritations” were just a testing of her tolerance of him and that as time went by, those “slight irritations” were becoming more and more dominant in their daily actions. Those “irritations” were growing in number and intensity, right beneath her nose – and she never smelled them …considering their strong start that bonded them quickly, she easily overlooked them. She was always so willing to work thru their arguments, encouraging him to not pick “every battle” with her. He seemed receptive to her input after he would calm himself down. She thought that where he lacked passion – she more than made up for it. Where he lacked gentleness, she would find a way to bring this out in him again, like she had seen the first couple of months. Where he lacked the depth of personality she desired to share, it would just take time to draw him out and she had the patience.
No, she never saw anything truly frightening when they were dating that would have caused her to look elsewhere – at least she didn’t recall if she did. For the “sweeping” he had so thoroughly done those first months allowed the other “irritations” he slid into their relationship to never be outweighed by the illusion of the good.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Real Mama speaking here: This excerpt keeps getting longer and longer. so I think I might leave this exercise and return to my other posts. By now, I hope you have seen the odd web that gets weaved in an abusive relationship…how it is hard to tell from the outside what is really going on…but when you start to analyze the thoughts underneath it all you start to see a glimpse of what is driving this relationship. If you are wondering where things are going, how this couple got to this point and what will become of all this Tangled mess…I will keep you posted to whether or not I get a book deal for it!
In case you are wondering, here are some of the books that helped me to understand these type of relationships better…and the people that make up both sides:
Why Does He Do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. by Lundy Bancroft
When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse. by Lundy Bancroft
By Patricia Evans
The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?
The Verbally Abusive Relationship.
Controlling People.
Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out.
Also, my time in the Life Skills class “Learning to live, learning to love” has helped me to understand the cycle of abuse which I hope I clearly displayed in these excerpts – for this is the pattern to look out for… and will repeat itself indefinitely every few minutes, hours, day, weeks or years – but most likely the days and weeks scenario. Click here to see the cycle of abuse.
If you are looking for this for definitions of the 21 different types of abuse, please go here.
Another link that helps portray the husband in this story is here…which of course I guess you could say I am setting this man up – but unfortunately they are out there, not just in fiction or in movies.
I think you’ve got the beginnings of a good novel here, Real Mama. Keep working at it. You’re capturing the inside thoughts of the wife well.
Thanks Barbara! I just did my character sketch for the wife yesterday, or started it at least and am super excited at how it is coming together! I’ll share some more later on…and will keep you posted on my hunt for a publisher!